Monday, February 2, 2009

Attack of the Town


Kearton Pennsylvania is a small arboreal town about two hours outside of Philadelphia. There are only about 9,000 people, most of whom have lived there for their entire lives. Life goes on normally in Kearton. The kids attend school during the day and help out with chores in the afternoon. The fathers work all day long, and the mothers stay home to tend to the gardens and babies. From the outside, Kearton seems like an average town.

Jon stepped carefully down the sidewalk, making sure not to step on any cracks. He was very superstitious. Today was a long day. He had three exams before lunch, and by the time the day had ended, Jon had managed to get detention from two of his teachers. Some would say the he had a knack for trouble, but then again, what fourteen year-old boys don’t get in trouble every now and then? As Jon hopped and skipped to avoid the cracks in the sidewalk, a beam of light glinted off of a coin on the ground right into his eye. Already annoyed, Jon wound up to kick the coin into a nearby yard. He stopped himself halfway through the rotation of his leg, as he had noticed that the coin did not look like any that he had ever seen before. It was about two inches in diameter, made of silver, and had minuscule specks of gold in it. There was an engraving on it which read, “Take No Prisoners” in bold letters. Intrigued, Jon pocketed the coin and headed home to show his brother.

The rest of Jon’s walk home led him through the dense forest surrounding Kearton. For about four miles, he saw virtually no sign of human life. Strangely, he also did not see any animals among the fauna either. There were no birds conversing with each other from the tree branches, no squirrels jumping acrobatically from tree to tree. This seemed a bit odd, but did not register as anything two suspicious. Jon kept on walking, thinking about what his father would do as a punishment for his two detentions.
Jon finally came out of the woods and stepped on to the road. Right away he noticed something odd; there were no cars on Main Street. Not one car was driving, stopped at a traffic light, or even parked in a parking lot. He looked around, confused at what was going on. All of the sudden, an immense heat began emanating from his pocket. Eager to stop the heat, Jon deftly reached his hand inside the pocket and pulled out its contents. A dollar bill, yo-yo string, a few pieces of lint, and the coin tumbled to the ground. Recovering from his shock, Jon bent down to take a closer look at the coin. At first glance it seemed the same, but after careful examination he noticed that the golden specks had turned a dark shade of red, and the inscription was different. It now read, “Success”. At this point, Jon was really beginning to get freaked out. He had no clue what was going on, and just wanted to get home. He hurriedly grabbed his possessions from the dirty road and sprinted off toward home.

All the way home, he did not see one person. He did not see a dog, or even a cygnet. He did not see anything except for deserted streets, empty restaurants, and vacant drugstores. By the time Jon reached his house, he was out of breath and covered in sweat. It took a moment to collect his courage, but Jon soon began taking tiny steps toward the front door of his house. When he reached the door, he grabbed the knob, took a deep breath, and opened it. Jon did not see anything at first. A rancid odor overwhelmed his nostrils though, and he immediately felt sick. Jon pulled his shirt up over his nose and mouth and continued to walk deeper into his house. When he entered the living room, he was appalled at what he saw. Lying prostrate on the ground, arms and legs out were three figures, one of which was quite pudgy. After a second, Jon lost his countenance when he realized that they must be his mother, father, and brother. He made a violent guttural sound, and then stood silently for a few moments, unsure of what to do. Looking at his father who was wearing very tattered clothes, he noticed that there was something clenched tightly in his fist. Jon bent down and slowly pried open his fathers hand, exposing a coin that was very similar to the one Jon had. All of the sudden, a figure swooped unheralded down through the ceiling and nearly hit Jon, but he manged to dive off to the left at the last second, and an eddy of cold air rushed past him. The figure quickly turned around and sped towards him once more. Immediately he was filled with compunction. This time there was no evading it. The malefactor went straight into Jon, who screamed for a split second, and then died very quickly. Jon was but one of the victims of an attack by the creature on the town of Kearton, Pennsylvania.

4 comments:

Jack said...

I would like my reader to be entertained when reading my story. I think that detailed description of the setting works well and adds to the overall story. The easy part to write was the beginning of the story. It just sort of came together very easily. The ending of my story is not going to well. I have no idea of how to end the story! The feed back that would be most helpful would be a way that I could wrap up the ending shortly, as I am having difficulty coming up with a way myself.

Nathaniel said...

I- The conflict of Jacks story is that the town is abandoned and he doesn’t know what is happening. The conflict was external. I was very invested in the conflict because it was intriguing how every one was gone, and the coin said “Take no prisoners” and changed to “success”. I think the story is very dramatic as is.

II- The character doesn’t really change throughout the story. If the character did change throughout the story it wouldn’t work.

III- My favorite part happened in the rising action when there is no one around. One good line was “there were no cars on Main Street. Not one car was driving,” it appealed to me because it put a good image in my head.

IV- I think the story’s best quality is its ability to “keep me on the edge of my seat” so to speak. It was very suspenseful, when the coins changes I didn’t know what was going to happen next.

V- I am not sure what the theme is but if the ending wasn’t a cliff hanger a theme could be implied.

VI- I think the author needs to read it over and make a few grammatical corrections like changing Join to Jon. Also you asked for a sort of ending, wrap up, you have plenty of space left to create a good elaborate ending but you could make the main character come face to face with the doer of this evil.

chris said...

th conflict in jacks storyt is that he finds a weird coin and then the entire town disapears.This was an external conflict.
2. The character really only startes out by not being freaked out and the he is freked out the hole thing doesnt occur over more than an hour or two. If the charcter didnt change the he woulldnt have been freaked out by the deserted town.
3. my favorite part was when there was none around. This was all throughout the story, it didnt really focus on this in just one part of the story.
4. The stories best quality is the climax, because in the climax jack is very descriptive about the town and all his surroundings. The story was a little suspenseful, but not too much.
5. im not really sure what the theme was, but nate is right the ending is a cliffhanger and i kinda was hoping that the story would go on further.
6. The authro needs to make a feww grammatical errors, and add some more vocab words to it and i kinda feel like there should be some dialogue in it like maybe before he leaves school and finds the coin.

Jack said...

The biggest change that I made in my story was in the opening paragraph. Originally it stated that every year something odd happened in the town, but I changed the odd event from yearly to a one time thing.
The feed back from the comments was much more useful for me while I edited and revised my story.
I think that the strength in my story was the description of the setting and my word choice.
Some advice for the students next year is to just write the story first, and then worry about if it makes total sense. Just get your ideas down first and then fine tune the story later on.